We’re back! It’s been more than three months since the last Emo Wednesday, but I’ve got time to sit and put words down as a result of a certain virus.

Nothing was supposed to happen with her.

She mentioned a girlfriend on several occasions, and not in the just a female friend way. She was just a person I enjoyed playing video games with, and I was more than happy with that.

And then everything changed. We stayed up until 6 a.m. playing one night. Neither of us knew why. And even then, after I told her I couldn’t say awake any longer, we messaged further into morning.

This began a whirlwind two-and-a-half month together. We played games almost every day and talked from night until morning. We bonded over that, anxiety, and impostor syndrome. These are the red flags you don’t notice when you’ve got stars in your eyes.

The girlfriend was real, by the way, but they had opened up the relationship before, and she was bisexual. I ought to have been more concerned, but all I knew was that I wanted to see where things went.

She told me she was afraid of how close we had gotten so quickly and that she had things to sort through before getting into another relationship. She started to give me the slow fade. The signs couldn’t be any clearer — this was the end.

She knew I liked emo and linked me to “tamagotchi” by Sea in the Sky, which is great, but the true gift was that Spotify then recommended “Bad Thoughts” by Rome Hero Foxes. I was instantly in love.

The guitar riffs felt so honest — upbeat while tip-toeing on the edge of oblivion. The lyrics were something I had lived in lifetimes past. I just didn’t realize that they would eventually apply to that lifetime.

Well now stay if you’re gonna stay
But if you leave, you should really tell me
So I know that you mean it and you won’t come back
If you’re walking away, don’t you dare look back

She had just as well severed contact, so I wrote her an email to break things off. I listened to this song on repeat as I wrote it. Every time I had been ready to cut things off prior, she’d message me unexpectedly, and I’d relent. She kept looking back, and while it gave me fleeting moments of hope, it only prolonged the inevitable.

And now you’re just another thought gone bad in my head
Another friend down when the next one’s dead
Don’t you know, girl that was long ago
And now it’s just another night spent alone in my bed
Trying to get what you have said out of my god damn head
I don’t know what to do anymore

This chorus is so damn infectious to listen to. The idea of “a thought gone bad in my head” is something I’m sure we can all relate to. Those thoughts linger, catch with their barbs and latch on, infect with pain and toxicity. Time may heal all wounds, but it doesn’t clear all bad thoughts. I’ve found that they can be pushed away with new thoughts, good and bad, but it can take a while to shake them loose from where they had caught on.

And I said that I’d never care
About how you were never there
But the truth comes out and I’m alone and scared
The truth is good but the truth’s never fair
I said that I’d never yeah I said that I’d never feel this way
But the feelings coming back and my heart’s under attack

This verse. This is the one that gets to the heart of it all. I knew going in that chances were slim that relationship would work, but I was no less crushed when I accepted that it was over. I didn’t even get the truth until after I sent her the letter. Her feelings had “changed,” but she didn’t have the guts to tell me. She asked if we could be friends. Why would I want to be friends with someone who couldn’t tell me an important truth? It was good to get the truth, but I felt cheated getting it after pulling the band-aid off.

I don’t know that I was scared, but I was certainly alone. And as I adjusted to sleeping at night instead of after hours of conversation when the sun had risen, it was trying to get what she said out of my god damn head that was toughest to do.

Rome Hero Foxes helped, and now “Bad Thoughts” is in my permanent rotation not because it takes me back to this whirlwind romance but because it’s damn catchy and a good reminder for me to not let bad thoughts linger.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s